


Almost

by YourEyesHoldTheGalaxy



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Letters, M/M, Phil POV, angst without happy ending, phanfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-01
Updated: 2016-01-01
Packaged: 2018-05-10 19:51:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5598709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YourEyesHoldTheGalaxy/pseuds/YourEyesHoldTheGalaxy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Type: Angst, Letter, drabble</p><p>Summary: Phil explains why almost is his least favorite word.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Almost

\--------------------------------

Almost is the worst word in the English language. Sure it doesn’t sound gross, but the meaning makes my stomach ache and drop, twist and turn. In some contexts it’s fine, preferable even, but in most, the word seems to just trigger something no one wants to feel. From what I learned, almost is like a poison that is used by everyone without much thought. It’s lying in wait at the surface, ready to strike. Almost is failed potential, failed greatness. Almost is when we are so close but not quite there. Almost is like saying you tired but didn’t succeed. Almost is everything good that didn’t quite happen. Almost is everything that failed, trying to make it sound positive. It almost works too.

For me, almost never bothered me until my three am thoughts found its way to you again. The ‘almost’s in our relationship were great, until they weren’t. While they were good almost seemed like a blessing, but the almost’s turned sour, and hard to swallow. The almost’s seemed to be daggers hitting my heart with every use. The almost’s made it sound fine to anyone else but to me, to us, they sounded like a wicked laughter to our ears. The almost’s were plentiful. The almost’s were nothing more than being so close to something and yet so far. I know you probably don’t care, and maybe you’ve even ripped this up and thrown it away, almost remembering me. Almost. I almost forgot you yesterday, after the seventh bottle, but once again that’s only an almost. I didn’t. How could I? If you are still reading, well, I almost wish you wouldn’t, but that is not completely what I want or else I wouldn’t have sent this to you after writing this with tears streaming down my face at four am almost hitting the paper and smudging my messy half-drunk handwriting. Because I am most absolutely positive that you are almost sorry for what happened to us. Because, my love, you almost stayed. I wrote a little list of some of our almost’s, in order from the start to the end of our almost great relationship, to help you see why almost is a slow brewing poison.

I almost didn’t notice you.

You almost made a fool of yourself on our first skype call.

You almost gave up on yourself.

I almost didn’t suggest you coming to mine.

You almost missed the train.

We almost fell over when you ran to me for our first hug.

You almost didn’t kiss me that night.

We almost didn’t happen.

Your parents almost wanted you to not see me.

You almost didn’t say you loved me.

You almost didn’t go to school in Manchester.

I almost didn’t suggest us living together.

The video almost didn’t go live.

We almost broke up.

You almost left.

We almost might not have moved to London.

You almost wanted to tell them.

We almost got fired from the radio show.

We almost didn’t make a gaming channel.

We almost didn’t make a merch store.

We almost killed each other whilst writing our book.

We almost didn’t go to Japan.

We almost relieved our secret to the world.

We almost had no tension.

We almost never fought.

We almost made up.

You almost didn’t leave.

You almost apologized.

You almost didn’t move out.

You almost said you loved me again.

You almost stayed.

We almost made it.

We almost had our happy ending.

But almost, my love, almost is never quite enough. I almost want to forget you, but that’s only an almost.

I almost don’t love you. But, bear, sadly I still do. And sadly, I almost believe you love me. Almost.

**Author's Note:**

> Im so sorry


End file.
